[Prev][Next][Index][Thread]
BUDDHA: How cozy our world
-
Subject: BUDDHA: How cozy our world
-
Date: Thu, 30 Nov 1995 17:37:26 +1000
http://www2.nando.net/newsroom/ntn/voices/voices585_3.html
RUSSELL BAKER: How cozy our world
- ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
(c) 1995 Copyright Nando.net
(c) 1995 N.Y. Times News Service
(Nov 20, 1995 - 23:12 EST) A majority of Americans say they now get most of
their news from television. To see how the world looks to this majority,
your correspondent spent six months glued to his TV screen. Following is the
typical American view of the world:
The two most important people on earth are Newt Gingrich and President
Clinton. O.J. Simpson, who used to be Number Three, has slipped badly and is
not even in the top 20 anymore. The new Number Three is Deion Sanders.
The other 17 are Bill Gates, Oprah Winfrey, Rupert Murdoch, Michael Eisner,
Arnold Schwarzenegger, James Bond, Stephen King, Howard Stern, George
Stephanopoulos, the Dallas Cowboys, the late Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis,
Larry King and the first five Americans mentioned on tomorrow's edition of
"Entertainment Tonight."
The fact that all 20 are Americans not only shows how little of consequence
happens outside our own country. It also proves the truth of that old
theater saying, "When you leave the United States, everyplace else is just
Bridgeport."
Most of the world outside the United States is composed of Bosnia and
Israel.
The only important foreigner is Boris Yeltsin. He drinks too much vodka and
is sick a lot. Yeltsin holds a very important job somewhere in Russia.
The most important street on earth is the Beltway. What goes on inside it is
just terrible.
The most important event in the world is our own American presidential
campaign. Some of the people running include Sen. Bob Dole and Sen. Phil
Gramm, as well as several others whose names don't stay with you the way
names like Jay Leno and David Letterman do.
Letterman is making either $12 million or $14 million per year, and even if
it's only $12 million it's a nice piece of change to collect for just being
a wise guy, isn't it?
Italy, Spain, France and Germany still exist, but nothing ever seems to
happen there, except the running of the bulls in Pamplona. Sometimes new
women's dress designs are shown in Paris.
Somebody named Kohl is in charge of Germany. He is a big fellow -- as big as
Clinton maybe, judging from seeing him standing next to the president on
television.
Somebody is also running Italy, Spain and France, probably several different
people in fact. England too. They all stood together for a photo op
somewhere a while ago at a meeting to talk economics, and they were all a
lot smaller than Clinton and Kohl.
America's troubles all stem from family values. There just aren't any
anymore -- family values, that is. They have been destroyed by modern life,
which most of our political leaders want repealed so we can get family
values back and save the country.
Television, the Internet, liberals, affirmative action, the Mexican peso and
the terrible things going on inside the Beltway are all destroying family
values too.
The crime that's going on is simply incredible.
Yes, firing another 35,000 workers every few days is sure hard on fired
folks who are a little long in the tooth, but it's how we're making America
competitive once again with Japan.
Speaking of the mysterious East, Singapore is a great place to live if you
believe your character can be improved by having the police whale the tar
out of you with bamboo canes.
No, and neither can anybody else tell you who's running China. Chances are
it's somebody whose name rhymes with "lung," "shin" or "wow."
Brad Pitt is hot, having replaced Hugh Grant in the hotness ratings after
Grant was arrested for doing something scandalous but not especially
remarkable by Los Angeles standards with somebody who wasn't famous in the
film business there.
Canada is boring beyond belief, but there was a brief flurry of excitement
when Quebec voted on whether to secede and it came out just about even.
After that, Canada immediately resumed being as boring as ever.
South America? Yes, it's down there someplace where all the old Nazis used
to go. Yes, yes, south of the Panama Canal, that's where it is. Hasn't
turned up on the telly in years and years.
Have we overlooked anything? But of course! Those French nukes off Tahiti.
Awful, wasn't it? It's hard to say why, though.
Follow-Ups:
Back to Buddha