He’s Just Had Coffee

When I was a kid, my mum used to school me in the belief that the only person you had control or agency over was yourself. Other people’s heads were their own affair and there was really nothing you could do to affect them. Thus when someone did something that really annoyed you, all you could do was get used to it or get out, really. I hasten to add that she’s never really believed this herself or at least she doesn’t practise it. Nevertheless, it’s what I took from what she was saying to me as a kid, whether or not she meant it. I pretty much bought this line until I went to University and started actually living with other adults. That and doing “group dynamics” in my computer subjects taught me that there was both a point to and reasonable methods for negotiating with other people about their behaviour. Since then I’ve kind of oscillated between these two poles - between accepting the behaviour of others and adapting the behaviour of others through negotiation. When you look at it that way, we’re back to the whole magick religion thing again… Anyhoo sometimes you get object lessons in the validity of both poles. One is when you meet people who seem to hold some other belief: that you’re some kind of fictional character in their heads whose behaviour can be understood merely by their own introspection rather than by talking to you or getting to know you (Remember Mr Apple?). I had one of these this weekend. I met this guy on gaydar called Mike (no - you’re not getting his nick - I’m not that mean). I sent him a message, he replied, we swapped numbers, to-ed and fro-ed a bit trying to find a time to catch up. In the end we agreed to meet at a cafe in Newtown. I sat at the cafe for half an hour until I started to get weirded out and sent him a text message from my phone asking where he was. He replied: “I don’t play games with people who are occupied. Have a nice day.” I was completely flummoxed. Had he seen me walking up the street with my housemate? Had he inferred that we were partners? What on earth did “occupied” mean? Turns out I was unable to clarify this because the guy refused to answer any further messages, either by text or voice. Apparently had no interest at all in finding out any more about me after he’d observed whatever he’d observed and concluded whatever he’d concluded. This of course drove me nuts for the rest of the day. The other quality that completely stymies any negotiation is a complete lack of introspection. I’ve met a few guys recently who are totally unable to give any account of their feelings or their motivations. Not all the time of course, just whenever anything much is at stake. As soon as I question why they do a certain thing… they go completely mute… unable to offer the slightest hint. I’m back in childhood territory: take it or run. I’m starting to realise that my social group back in Brisbane had some very unusual qualities: mostly thoughtful, often quite introspective, very well-educated people that I met through studying or doing theatre. Stuff we just took for granted, about political opinions, about talking about yourself and how you feel and think, about all sorts of things turn out to be quite rare and unusual things out here in the wider world. Returning briefly to what I’ve come to call my Monstrous UnDate: this is not the first time my housemate or my gym buddy have been mistaken for boyfriends. I’m almost tempted to start a “Guys Who Aren’t My Boyfriends” gallery, just to throw them off the scent. The thing that occurs to me is that both guys are Asian and I’m an Anglo - could it be that people think that the only reason we’d be walking around together is if we’re dating? Urgh - what a hideously racist notion…